The People of Lippert-Olson Funeral Home
Reprinted with permission from The Director Magazine March 2000 Volume 72 Number 3
Children have the same
need as adults to mourn.
by Victor Parachin
Part Two
DON'T tell a child how to feel. Some parents unwisely tell children: "Be brave. Be strong, you're the man in the family now," or "Don't cry, it was the will of God." Instead of such statements, let a child experience and express grief in their own way.
DO offer continuous love and assurance. "In the early stages of mourning, a child needs reassurance that he is loved. This will make him feel more secure. Parents cannot shield their children from painful feelings, but they can help the child to bear them. So openly express your caring - show him in many ways that you love him," writes psychologist Charles E. Schaefer, Ph.D., in his book How to Talk To Children About Really Important Things. Dr. Schaefer also says one of the best ways a parent can show they care is by being readily present and available during thedifficult months of grieving.
DON'T hide your grief from your children. Be open with your own grief and emotions. It is all right if your children see you crying, or feeling sad. Your open grieving gives a child "permission" to grieve as well. By seeing you grieve, a child will know that it is normal and healthy to cry and feel sad after a death.
"A child takes his cue from the adult," says Sacramento, California, family therapist Jerri Smock, Ph.D. "You need to handle your own emotions - anger, hurt, grieving, tears, whatever - and you need to be vulnerable. You need to be able to express and identify your feelings so a child can do the same with his or her own feelings."
DO invite others to help your children. Enlist the assistance of other family members - uncles, aunts, grandparents, as well as close friends and clergy who can help grieving children. Often, someone outside the family can provide much needed additional comfort, concern and care. Welcome their assistance and aid with open arms.
DON'T assume children will just get "over it." The idea that children are more adaptable, that death is less traumatic to them, is a myth," say authors Candy Lightner and Nancy Hathaway in their book Giving Sorrow Words. "The fact is that children are in many ways most affected by a death for, unlike adults whose identities are formed, they must brave a further challenge: growing up in the face of loss. Whether the death takes place during their infancy or their adolescence, whether the person who dies is a relative or a friend, the impact can last for the rest of their lives." Do not assume your child will get over the death naturally and on their own. Be proactive and provide all of the comfort and consolation you can.
DO be a good listener. Like adults, children need to talk about the loss and their feelings connected to it. That means they need adults who will take the time to listen carefully and compassionately. "Listening to the child is an effective way of putting care into action," writes grief authority Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., in his book Helping Children Cope With Grief. "Listening requires hearing not only the content of what the child is saying but also hearing the content of that which is only being hinted. The child may need help in terms of being able to put thoughts and feelings into words. While you will certainly want to listen with your ears and see through your eyes, you will also want to hear and respond with your heart."
DO Nurture faith but DON'T blame God. Death is a profoundly theological issue and children will ask religious questions. Some parents unwittingly create future spiritual problems for children by incorrectly assigning blame to God for a death. This is done when a child hears an adult say, "God needed daddy," "It was God's Will," "God loved your sister so much, He took her," or "God punished him." Rather than speak of God "taking" a loved one, convey to your child that God has "received" a beloved family member and that God is also sad about the tragedy. Remind your child that "God shares our pain and will help us get through the crisis."