The People of Lippert-Olson Funeral Home
Reprinted with permission from The Director Magazine March 2000 Volume 72 Number 3
Children have the same
need as adults to mourn.
by Victor Parachin
Part One
On most days at four o'clock, Michael and his grandfather could be seen walking down the street, hand in hand, to the corner store. It was a daily ritual for the little boy and the elderly man. Although separated by decades, the two enjoyed a precious common bond. They shared a two-family house in an outlying section of New York City. The grandfather lived in the upstairs unit; Michael and his family lived downstairs. It had been that way since Michael's birth.
When Michael turned seven, his family moved to Long Island, leaving the grandfather back in the city. "See you on Thanksgiving!" they all said. Thanksgiving came and went, however, and they did not see the grandfather. The same thing happened at Christmas.
"Grandpa's away for a while," Michael's parents explained. "Don't worry about it." Months went by and Michael waited. When his birthday came without a card from his grandfather, Michael grew concerned and wondered what he could have done to make the elderly man not love him anymore.
It was nearly two years before Michael's parents told him the truth: his beloved grandfather died shortly after they moved to Long Island. "I know they thought they were doing the right thing," Michael says, "but it was a terrible time for me. They certainly didn't spare me any pain while I was wondering what had happened. And then when they finally told me the truth, I still had to deal with the feeling of losing Grandpa."
This true-but-unfortunate story is reported by funeral director Dan Schaefer and Christine Lyons in their excellent book, How Do We Tell The Children: A Parentss Guide To Helping Children Understand and Cope When Someone Dies. The fact is that every day of the year, children lose someone they love to death: a parent, grandparent, siblings, friend or relative. Like Michael's family, parents may try to shield the child from the blow. When death is improperly explained and responded to, however, it prevents a child from experiencing the loss, expressing their grief, sharing in the family mourning and moving on toward recovery. Children have the same need as adults to process what has happened and to mourn. Here are some basic do's and don't when talking to children about death.
DO be honest about death. Although you may find it difficult to speak with your child about death, keep in mind that honesty is the best policy. There is nothing worse for a child than being the last to know; accidentally discovering the "secret" and then receiving the excuse: "We thought it was best not to tell you." As soon as you learn about a death, inform your child simply and directly: "Honey, a very sad thing happened this afternoon. Grandmother died." Once you have given your child this information, gently make sure they understand what you have just said.
DON'T use euphemisms. When her aunt died, a six-year-old girl was told, "Aunt Ellen went away on a long trip." Because her aunt never returned from that trip, the little girl was terrified when her family announced that they were all going on a "trip" for their summer vacation. Here is the point: death is not a "long trip;" death is not "sleeping;" death is not "resting;" death is not "passing away."
"When you're talking with your child, avoid euphemisms," say Schaefer and Lyons. "Use simple words like 'dead,' 'stopped working' and 'wore out' - simple words establish the fact that the body is biologically dead." For example, if your child asks, "What does dead mean?" respond simply by stating, "Dead means a person's body has stopped working and won't work anymore." If your child asks, "Is death like sleeping?" a good response is to state simply, "Dying is nothing at all like sleep. When someone dies, their body stops working. It is not resting. Its job is over.
DO help Children express their thoughts and feelings. Encourage children to cry-out their grief and talk out their thoughts, and feelings about the death. Be aware that children are often verbally limited when it comes to stating their feelings and often express their grief in a variety of non-verbal ways such as sleeplessness, nightmares, clinging behavior and school difficulties. Because of their verbal limitations, you, as the parent or important adult, may have to take the initiative to help your children ventilate grief. One effective way of doing this is to pick-up on a child's feelings and say, "I know you miss Daddy very much. I miss him too." A simple statement like that is often enough to help a child open up.